What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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