so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
