I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
