Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
