Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize