I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
