drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
