why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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