i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I could fuck to npr.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize