I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
