thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Boobs are out for the taking
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
