yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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