Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
