Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
