what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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