yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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