mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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