Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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