why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
