Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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