Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
