There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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