dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
