you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Randomize
