I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
