Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
