Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
