She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
