Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
