we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I supernannyed him into submission
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
