I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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