My friends, they love my intelligence
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
