my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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