Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
