White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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