my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There r osticjed everywhere
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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