I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize