Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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