just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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