dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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