Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
