So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize