Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
