im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
