if you like me you must not know who I am
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
