Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
