I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
