Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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