you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
