I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
