I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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