Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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