Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
