theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
