Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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