The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't put those talents on a resume
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
