I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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