You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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