My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize