shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
