I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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